At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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