Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
