did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Found your dick twin last night
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
