i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
the day after is always just damage control
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
God, you're like boner-b-gone
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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