ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
