Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
