I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i will never coherently bang her
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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