Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
