here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
