I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
