Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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