Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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