I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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