My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
