i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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