I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
