This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
