Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Randomize
