I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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