You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
