roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Randomize
