I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
