I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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