I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Randomize
