I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
