I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
