ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
