Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
