we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
