yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
