My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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