i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
did i just pee glitter
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
