I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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