saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
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