I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Randomize
