When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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