I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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