I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
