My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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