fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
