Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
