Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
this is an emotional support booty call
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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