totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
