Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
