upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
