After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
