did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
being pregnant is like rehab
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
