Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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