I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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