he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
